Can You Depend on You?

"When you can't depend on yourself, that's the scariest place to be. Because if you can't depend on yourself, you can't depend on anyone else. And you're left completely helpless."

When one of my inspiring teachers, Patricia Moreno, shared this in her signature intenSati class, it blew me away. I'm totally paraphrasing because it was a while ago but what I saw when she said this was an image of myself floating in a black hole in outer space, in complete terror. Nothing to hold on to and no anchor or gravity to keep me in place.

I had a quantum shift in that moment because I knew she was right- that loneliness and separateness from Self is the scariest place to be. Because if we aren't anchored and trusting of ourselves, we have to desperately try to hold on to something. We try to obtain the perfect body, we seek validation from our partner, or we need constant gratification from our friends. But we never feel centered because we actually aren't.

I wanted to know what it would feel like to be able to depend on myself. To say I was going to do something and actually do it. Revolutionary, huh?

I first brought this to my fitness routine. I've said that I've wanted to get fit for thirteen years. Thirteen years of saying I want to work out and not showing up fully. Yes, I could share how exercise used to be self-punishment for me because it was, and I could share how I was dealing with my body not fully functioning due to dis-ease because it was, but that's actually not the full story. It's a piece of the story but not the whole. The bigger part of this was that I didn't believe that I could be so consistent in showing up for myself because I had created a story that having a consistent workout routine was extremely difficult and also militant. But what if it wasn't? What if my fitness routine could be used as a vehicle to simply to show my self and my body that I can depend on myself? That I am there for myself whenever. That I will show up during the beautiful and celebratory times and also the more difficult times. No matter what.

It's been 3 months since I've consistently showed up for my body and worked out at least 4 times a week. What's changed? I found a fierceness and confidence in myself that I didn't know existed. It forced me to be more thoughtful when I was making my plans (not just my workout plans, all plans) because I wouldn't want to have to bail. It made me look at what my priorities were in my life. And most importantly, I saw that when I commit to something 100%, it's actually easy. There's no choice in the matter and there's no wavering back and forth. There's just go, do, be! And this fierceness has now trickled out into every other area of my life: work commitments, friendships, boundaries, and dating. How you do one thing is how you do everything.

Think about this: is there something in your life that you truly desire but just keep hiding from or feel like you can't do? What comes to mind first is the place that, if you choose, you could decide to show up. You get to show up for you, not because someone else is telling you. But because you actually want to. 

I share this with you today to remind you that every time you don't do something you say you are going to do, you abandon yourself.

And the amazing thing is is that you get to choose again. You could erase eons of self-destruction in a moment of holy love. Could today be the day you choose to show up?

Because when you are anchored and centered in your Self, there is no stopping you. You can handle anything that comes your way and create anything you truly desire.

What's stopping you?

Fiercely cheering you on,